The Circles of Control: A Life-Changing Tool to Overcome Overwhelm
Updated May 2026
You know that feeling when your mind is trying to hold everything at once.
The email you haven’t replied to. The conversation you keep replaying. The decision someone else is making. The thing your child is struggling with. The state of the world. The work deadline. The family logistics. The invisible list that seems to follow you from room to room.
And even when you stop, your mind does not feel still.
The circles of control can help because they separate what is yours to act on from what you can influence, and what was never fully yours to carry. They do not make life simple, but they can give your overwhelmed mind somewhere steadier to stand.
When you are used to being responsible, capable, and the one who holds things together, it can be hard to know where your responsibility ends. This is one reason overwhelm can feel so relentless. You are not just dealing with what is happening. You are also carrying all the thinking, anticipating, managing, worrying, and trying to prevent things from going wrong.
That is why the circles of control can be such a helpful tool.
They create a way to pause, look at what is taking up space in your mind, and gently ask:
What is actually mine to hold here?
What are the circles of control?
The circles of control are a simple framework that helps you sort your worries, responsibilities, and stressors into three areas:
What you can control
What you can influence
What you care about, but cannot control
This matters because overwhelm often grows when everything feels equally urgent and equally yours.
Your mind starts treating a delayed reply, a difficult conversation, someone else’s opinion, your child’s emotions, a work pressure, and global events as if they all require the same level of attention.
They do not.
Some things need action. Some things need communication. Some things need boundaries. And some things need to be acknowledged, felt, and released from the part of you that keeps trying to fix them.
The circles of control help you see the difference.
Why everything feels overwhelming when you are trying to control too much
When life is already full, your brain looks for certainty.
It tries to scan ahead. It tries to prepare. It tries to solve. It tries to stop anything painful, disappointing, uncomfortable, or inconvenient from happening.
For high-achieving women, this often makes complete sense. You may have learned to stay ahead by noticing everything, anticipating everyone’s needs, and carrying responsibility before anyone asks.
At work, this might look like thinking three steps ahead for the team.
At home, it might look like remembering the appointment, the school form, the birthday present, the thing your partner forgot, the emotional temperature of the room.
Inside your mind, it can feel like:
“I just need to get on top of everything.”
But the problem is that not everything can be got on top of.
Some things are outside your control. Some things are only partly yours. Some things belong to other adults. Some things are uncertain because life is uncertain.
When you keep trying to control all of it, your nervous system stays activated. You may feel wired, irritable, unable to switch off, or constantly braced for the next thing.
This is not a failure of mindset. It is a sign that your mind and body have been carrying too much for too long.
If this feels familiar, you may also find it helpful to read Why Do I Feel Overwhelmed All the Time?, which explores the deeper pattern beneath constant overwhelm.
The first circle: what is within your control?
Your circle of control includes the things that are directly within your power.
This might include:
The words you choose
The boundary you set
The next decision you make
The support you ask for
The way you respond in this moment
The amount of information you consume
The pause you take before reacting
The expectation you are willing to question
This circle is not about blaming yourself or pretending you can create perfect calm by making the right choices.
It is about returning to the part of the situation where you still have agency.
When you are overwhelmed, even small choices can feel buried beneath the noise. The circle of control helps you come back to the next grounded step.
Not the whole solution.
Just the next true thing that is yours to do.
The second circle: what can you influence?
Your circle of influence includes the things you cannot fully control, but where your actions, words, presence, or choices may have an impact.
This might include:
A conversation with your partner
A team dynamic at work
A child’s routine or support system
The tone you bring into a difficult situation
How clearly you communicate your needs
Whether you ask for help or continue carrying something alone
This circle is important because many high-achieving women collapse influence and control into the same thing.
You may know, logically, that you cannot control how someone else responds. But emotionally, you may still feel responsible for making sure they understand, approve, cope, or do the right thing.
That is exhausting.
Influence means you can show up with clarity, honesty, and care. It does not mean you are responsible for managing the entire outcome.
You can have the conversation.
You cannot control whether someone receives it well.
You can set the boundary.
You cannot control whether someone is disappointed.
You can ask for support.
You cannot control whether someone immediately understands why you need it.
This distinction is often where relief begins.
The third circle: what is in your circle of concern?
Your circle of concern includes the things you care about but cannot directly control.
This might include:
Other people’s opinions
Someone else’s choices
The past
Global events
The economy
Whether everyone approves of you
How another adult manages their responsibilities
Uncertainty about the future
This is often the hardest circle for caring, responsible women.
Because you do care.
You care about your family. You care about your work. You care about people doing well. You care about making good decisions. You care about the future.
So letting go can feel like not caring. But letting go of control is not the same as withdrawing your care. It means recognising that care and control are not the same thing.
You can care deeply without carrying what is not yours.
You can be compassionate without becoming responsible for everyone’s emotions.
You can be informed without consuming every detail.
You can be committed without living in a constant state of vigilance.
The circle of concern helps you name what matters without asking your nervous system to hold the impossible.
How to use the circles of control when you feel overwhelmed
You can use this as a simple exercise when your mind feels full, your body feels tense, or everything feels tangled together.
Take a piece of paper and draw three circles. Label them:
Control
Influence
Concern
Then write down everything currently taking up space in your mind.
Do not organise it at first. Just empty it out.
The work deadline. The conversation. The money worry. The school message. The news story. The resentment. The decision. The thing you wish someone else would notice.
Then place each item into one of the three circles.
Ask yourself:
Is this directly within my control?
Can I influence this, but not fully control it?
Do I care about this, but have little or no power over the outcome?
Then look again.
Often, the relief does not come from solving everything. It comes from seeing that everything was never one thing in the first place.
Some of it needs an action.
Some of it needs a conversation.
Some of it needs support.
Some of it needs grieving, acceptance, or release.
And some of it was never yours to hold alone.
A real-life example: when work feels like too much
Imagine you are overwhelmed by work.
Your inbox is full. A colleague is not communicating clearly. A project feels messy. You are worried about being seen as difficult if you push back, so you keep absorbing more and more.
When you map it into the circles, it might look like this:
Circle of control:
Clarifying your priorities
Blocking focused time
Asking one direct question instead of trying to guess
Naming what is realistic
Taking a proper pause before replying
Circle of influence:
Suggesting a clearer process
Having a conversation with your colleague
Asking your manager to clarify expectations
Modelling a calmer pace where you can
Circle of concern:
Whether everyone agrees with you
Whether someone else follows through perfectly
Whether people think you are less capable because you have named a limit
The wider organisational culture
This does not make the situation disappear.
But it can stop your mind from treating everything as if it is equally yours to fix.
That distinction matters.
Because when you can see what is yours, you can act with more clarity. And when you can see what is not yours, you can begin to loosen the grip of over-responsibility.
Why letting go is not the same as giving up
One of the reasons this tool can feel uncomfortable is that it asks you to stop carrying certain things.
And for many women, carrying has become part of identity.
You may be the one who notices. The one who anticipates. The one who keeps things moving. The one who makes sure no one else drops the ball.
So when someone says “let it go”, it can sound far too simple.
This is not about dismissing what matters.
It is about recognising the cost of trying to hold what no one person can hold.
Letting go might mean:
Letting someone else have their reaction
Letting a task be done imperfectly
Letting a boundary feel uncomfortable
Letting uncertainty exist without immediately trying to solve it
Letting yourself rest before everything is finished
That can feel unfamiliar at first.
Especially if your nervous system has learned that safety comes from staying ahead, staying useful, and staying in control.
This is one reason insight alone does not always create change. You may understand what is outside your control and still find it hard to stop carrying it.
If that resonates, Why We Stay Stuck explores why knowing something intellectually does not always make it easy to live differently.
What this tool can help you notice
The circles of control are not just a productivity exercise.
They can reveal patterns.
They can show you where you are over-functioning. Where you are taking responsibility for other people’s emotions. Where you are trying to manage uncertainty by thinking harder. Where you are giving your energy to things that leave you feeling powerless.
They can also show you where there is a next step.
A boundary.
A conversation.
A decision.
A request for help.
A place where you need to stop abandoning yourself in order to keep everything looking fine.
The aim is not to care less.
The aim is to carry more wisely.
Your next step
Take a moment today to map your own circles of control.
Choose one area of life that feels heavy or mentally noisy. Write down everything you are carrying around it, then sort each piece into control, influence, or concern.
Then ask yourself:
What is one small thing that is genuinely mine to do?
And what is one thing I have been carrying that is not fully mine?
If you would like a gentle next step, you can download my free guide, 5 Ways to Beat Overwhelm. It will help you begin creating more space and steadiness in daily life, without asking you to fix everything at once.
For deeper exploration, you can also listen to The Thrive Bright Podcast with Dr SaraLou, where I talk more about burnout, overwhelm, mental load, and what it really takes to move out of survival mode.
And if you would like to connect gently, you are welcome to email me at info@drsaralouwylie.com or find me on Instagram at @drsaralouwylie.
You do not have to hold everything in order to care deeply.
Sometimes the most powerful shift begins with noticing what was never yours to carry alone.
